Chinese Alligators Charged as Spies

Cape Sable, FL -- Two "undocumented immigrants" taken into federal custody have been charged with espionage, in what appears to be the latest development in the ongoing conflict between North and South Korea.
According to FBI officials, the two suspects appear to be "no ordinary spies," mostly because they aren't human -- they're alligators.
"The difficulty we're having right now is determining their country of origin," said FBI Director Mark Harrow, "which is proving to be very difficult. They speak no English. In fact, they appear to speak no known language at all. They just growl a lot."
The pair of alien alligators were taken into custody last week after they were discovered by an Everglades National Park ranger, who turned them over to the Everglades Biological Survey, a federally-funded team of biologists who work closely with park officials to maintain the integrity of the Everglades' ecosystem.
After determining that the alligators were not Americans, park animal scientist Milton Livingston contacted the FBI.
"These alligators are not from around here," said Livingston. "For starters, they're albinos. There is only one place in the world where albino alligators have ever been found -- and that's China. These things are rare, and they didn't wander into the swamp out of nowhere." 
The arrests come on the heels of reports that North Korea has been whispering in the ear of Chinese President HU Jinao, following the buildup of U.S. and Japanese naval forces in the Yellow Sea.
Tensions have been on the rise around the Korean Peninsula since South Korea's Yeonpyeong Island was shelled by it's neighbor to the north on Nov. 23., killing four people.
The two suspected alligators were discovered roughly three miles north of Florida Bay by park ranger Mario Santos, who said he initially thought they were dead.
"I came up on 'em and they were white as milk," he explains. "One was in the water, and the other one was about ten yards away, up on the shore. They weren't moving, so I slowed the boat. I thought I was gonna have to dig 'em out and haul 'em in. Then the one in the water got spooked and started thrashing around. I didn't know what the hell to do, so I just put him down with a dart."
Santos went on to explain that in the commotion he lost sight of the other alligator, who scurried off into the marsh. He said it took five other rangers to track it down and tranquilize it. As soon as the two alligators were restrained they were transported to a park medical facility, where they were examined by Everglades Biological Survey scientists.
Government officials are remaining relatively mum about the arrests, which has led to much speculation in the scientific community.
"What most people assume is that Native Americans first settled this land, which couldn't be further from the truth," said Florida State University biology professor Muriel Fanning. "The buffalo and the alligator were roaming well before the American Indians arrived. Fortunately for the alligator population, the buffalo were much easier to hunt. Most species of alligator have managed to survive -- but they're still pretty pissed that their swamplands have been invaded humans."
She goes on to explain that the Everglades' alligator population has also grown disgruntled over a recent phenomenon known as "Hispanic flight," referring to the overcrowding of Miami, which has forced many Colombian and Dominican immigrants into the outlying communities bordering the Everglades.
Many of these Hispanic families either cannot find homes or cannot afford them, so they squat in the swamp.
"It makes perfect sense that the North Koreans would plant spies in the Everglades," said Fanning. "The alligators are probably the easiest segment of the U.S. population to infiltrate. They hate all humans, and pretty much already want to kill us. Steve Irwin knew it. That's why he dedicated himself the the taming of the alligator population. But what most people didn't know is that he was also on the FBI payroll. He was a federal Agent; He knew this was coming. Unfortunately, his cover was blown before he could prove it -- and the alligators took him out."

What's on Tap in Man Land

The debate among guys over what constitutes a "chick" drink has raged for eons. Everyone has an opinion on the matter. Even women. Some have a rather rigid set of standards that define what makes a drink "manly," while others are more forgiving, allowing for a more broad set of criteria.
I've heard just about every argument, and as a one-time bartender have been a spectator to many a dispute on the matter. Some guys don't consider beer manly enough (they're just plain wrong), though most others agree beers are just fine -- as long as you don't "fruit" them. 
Whiskey is most commonly accepted as a tough guy's spirit. Vodka ranks up there too, as long as it isn't mixed with a fruit juice (or flavored with one). The guy who likes tequila won't typically get any gruff -- or take it. You start drowning tequila in mixers, on the other hand, and people tend to look at you sideways.
Rum is disgusting. Unless it is snuck into something frozen or blended, though a lot of guys do like spiced rums (Dr. Pepper and Captain Morgan were made for each other). And the only people who actually like gin spend their Saturday nights playing backgammon or bridge with their old college buddies.
Then there's scotch. Scotch is a man's man's drink. It always has been (and always will be). Period. It's the preferred spirit of myriad guys: Construction workers and high-powered CEOs alike, regardless of age. But you will never see a "man" mix a scotch with anything (with the exception of a few ice cubes).

So What's The Answer?

Whatever your opinion on the matter, the distinction is simple. The second you introduce a sweetener to a drink it loses it's status as a man's drink (this includes , but is not limited to, juices, fruits, sour mixes, and sodas).
In many cases, a spirit mixed with a soda falls into a category that is neither "girly" nor "manly," essentially somewhere in between the two. Examples include Jack and Cokes, vodka and sodas, gin and tonics, or Crown and ginger ales. The exception (again, for me) is a spirit (usually a whiskey or a scotch) with a splash of water. Yes, the operative word here is "splash." It does not sweeten the drink. That's the key.
Triple secs are another no-no. Yes, Grand Marnier is delicious, but it is totally a chick-drink component. Same goes for Cointreau. I drink it in many things, but I am not manly when I do so. Whiskey sour? Nope. Sour mix is not served on planet Man. Margarita? Again, not a chance (and don't even bother asking, because neither are Daiquiris, Pina Coladas, or Bloody Marys).   
So, what about a Long Island, you ask? That's okay. But just barely. Another strict rule governing the virility of a drink is that as long as it contains at least four liquors it is automatically exempt from "girly" status -- provided none of the liquors are fruit-flavored, such as Cointreau, Malibu, Blue Curacao (pronounced: Cure-Uh-Sow) or any "Pucker."
Light beers are not manly. In fact, the only real "tough-guy" brews are stouts (Guinness), porters, bocks, or dark lagers (Sam Adams is a perfect man's beer  -- and it's American!). Wheat beers are not manly. In most cases, they contain fruit (orange or lemon peels, or even honey). Summer and Spring brews are often the same. Winter brews can tend to lift more weight, but be wary of their additives. And pilsners -- no way. Amstel Light (an obviously "light" lager, brewed in Amsterdam) does not pass the test, nor does Heineken (a Danish pilsner) or Corona.
So, the next time you're in a social situation (or even alone) and you're not quite sure about the manliness of the drink in your hand, chances are it's not manly. Like I mentioned, there is a vast landscape between the chick drink and man drink designations (where most liquor and soda drinks reside). But unless your about to douse your taste buds with a warm glass of Glenlivet, a Crown on the rocks, or a frosty pint of Bass Ale, you are probably going to commit a serious crime in man land. Cheers!